(We have all been there before, loving that someone who is closed off, unavailable or simply taking us for granted. My past has included many relationship trials with the “bad boy” or the one I was trying to “save”. This entry is my heart felt truth of emotion in one of these situations that truly speaks for itself. But, I must clarify that it is us that must love ourselves more, not take ourselves for granted, and make choices that reflect this honor and love we have for ourselves. It never was about the other person.)
I am saturated with thoughts of you,
And I know you would only bring me pain.
But I crave you,
I crave your touch,
And the stare of your lost eyes into mine.
My heart longs to show you all the many ways I could adore you,
These ways in which I could so desperately try to save you
And yes even at the sacrifice of my own happiness.
In countless moments I plot how it is I can possibly see you,
I stage the numerous things I would want to say,
Yet, on the rare occasions that we collide,
I lose my tongue,
My nerves grow with angst,
And I like a teenage girl am overridden with giddiness,
Far from my grounded confident ways.
All I would need is the touch of your hand to my face,
For my sweet womanhood to return,
Yet in your awkward resistance and commitment to flee,
You, without any hope to connect,
Run from all of this good I desire to give.
Do I convince myself of any importance I may have to you?
Or to your thoughts?
Truly… Am I like the many others you discard after use?
So easy you can leave the bed we lay
And I so wish that you would then too leave my mind.
Yet, it holds onto you with the grip of death.
And I still wish to be by your side,
To break my heart open.
To battle that which is unchangeable,
A man who wishes not to see.
There is this part of me that will never understand,
And stubbornly it hopes that I hold the key to your awakening.
With day dreams I play out what does not exist
Passionate exchanges chest to chest,
When really a simple spoken word to you a task.
And only in blind nights do you fall into temptation,
Perhaps your coated yearning for me undone.
Here as we tragically come together and your truths are unbound.
However so quickly they are then locked tightly away with morning sun,
Because with the closing of my eyelids to watch night pass,
I know it is the curtain dropping to the splendor of this connection,
And all will be forgotten.
As you arise to the mirror,
looking into it with all its lies,
The mask of your show,
looking back to you.
Yet I fall anyways,
And I cannot stop.
The more I try,
The more I am filled with a need,
That only you can release.
The urge of my every cell,
Awaiting your brutal, yet perfect solution,
To simply leave me once more,
Wanting it all over again.