Diary Confessions Part 2

(We have all been there before, loving that someone who is closed off, unavailable or simply taking us for granted. My past has included many relationship trials with the “bad boy” or the one I was trying to “save”. This entry is my heart felt truth of emotion in one of these situations that truly speaks for itself. But, I must clarify that it is us that must love ourselves more, not take ourselves for granted, and make choices that reflect this honor and love we have for ourselves. It never was about the other person.)

alone-in-bedDiary Confession
Date unknown

I am saturated with thoughts of you,
And I know you would only bring me pain.
But I crave you,
I crave your touch,
And the stare of your lost eyes into mine.
My heart longs to show you all the many ways I could adore you,
These ways in which I could so desperately try to save you
And yes even at the sacrifice of my own happiness.

In countless moments I plot how it is I can possibly see you,
I stage the numerous things I would want to say,
Yet, on the rare occasions that we collide,
I lose my tongue,
My nerves grow with angst,
And I like a teenage girl am overridden with giddiness,
Far from my grounded confident ways.

All I would need is the touch of your hand to my face,
For my sweet womanhood to return,
Yet in your awkward resistance and commitment to flee,
You, without any hope to connect,
Run from all of this good I desire to give.

Do I convince myself of any importance I may have to you?
Or to your thoughts?
Truly… Am I like the many others you discard after use?
So easy you can leave the bed we lay
And I so wish that you would then too leave my mind.
Yet, it holds onto you with the grip of death.

And I still wish to be by your side,
For what?
To break my heart open.
To battle that which is unchangeable,
A man who wishes not to see.
There is this part of me that will never understand,
And stubbornly it hopes that I hold the key to your awakening.

With day dreams I play out what does not exist
Passionate exchanges chest to chest,
When really a simple spoken word to you a task.
And only in blind nights do you fall into temptation,
Perhaps your coated yearning for me undone.
Here as we tragically come together and your truths are unbound.
However so quickly they are then locked tightly away with morning sun,
Because with the closing of my eyelids to watch night pass,
I know it is the curtain dropping to the splendor of this connection,
And all will be forgotten.

Distorted.

As you arise to the mirror,
looking into it with all its lies,
The mask of your show,
looking back to you.

Yet I fall anyways,
For you.
And I cannot stop.
The more I try,
The more I am filled with a need,
That only you can release.
The urge of my every cell,
Awaiting your brutal, yet perfect solution,
To simply leave me once more,
Wanting it all over again.

Original Poetry…(Title revealed at the End)

octobers
She always arrives with a sweet breath,
Seducing me with a soft kiss,
insinuating the change that lies ahead.
And cascading from the pointed tips of her dancing toes
Fall
the rich colors of all things old that must let go.
In a blanket of her golden touch she gives me comfort although she insists I surrender.
She promises nothing but a bare unknown looming in the darkness of the shadow that follows her.
She presses her chilling chest against me,
Yet somehow still keeps me warm with her spirit,
and I may try to resist,
To reflect of times before her return,
But she bestows an unworldly finesse as she effortlessly glides me into her presence.
A coziness that beckons me to join her hypnotic movements of grace,
distracted by her captivating beauty and illusive perfection,
I find myself somewhere cold alone and almost lost,
Until alas she whispers from afar,
“Lift your chin and raise your glance.”
Awakening me to the bright hope of all things new, her last gift.
My heart to secretly await her embrace once more,
A destined moment never to be mistaken,
For she always arrives with a sweet breath,
Seducing me with a soft kiss…

October.

The Freedom of Doubtless-ness

ocean polarity

I love this picture, which I took a couple days ago in Delray Beach, Fl while doing my morning meditation. It shows how the darkness of a storm and the brightness of sunny skies can blend together seamlessly. I believe this can offer a metaphor of how easily fear and doubt can flow into our thoughts. We don’t even notice as they creep their way in creating false and limiting beliefs and projections into our lives. Like the dark clouds above they sneak in seamlessly and yet have much control over our futures. They prevent us from our truest expressions and creations.

I have really been trying to stay aware of this lately. It without doubt takes a lot of conscious effort especially in order to replace and reprogram them. Oh but how rewarding the effort is when you start to see your life transform one thought at a time.

My card from the Messages of Light Deck today reads this:

I am Free
I let go of my old beliefs and any limitations I may be holding on to that hinder my growth. I return to the Source all the inner programs that hold me in fear and doubt. I am free to be all that I am to be. I am master of my life.

Also in reference to this subject is a quote taken from my most recent channel with Laura Mirante:

“This is about being in the present moment. This is about understanding this is the New World, this is the New Human. This is the way we are redefining the human experience. We don’t want to figure it out anymore. we don’t want to be so limited by the previous generations intellectual understanding of life. We want to be intuitively guided. We want to know that when we wake up tomorrow we will know what we are supposed to be doing tomorrow and we may not have that sense of knowing today and that needs to be okay with us. You see this is the pattern we are trying to create in the human condition right now for our children and their children and you when you come back. We will live in this world without doubt. Do you hear that? Without Doubt!! Because there is no need for doubt. When you know your soul is creating this experience in every moment, what is there to doubt? Doubt only creates the distance between you and the awareness of the soul. There is no doubt in your soul of the energy you came to bring to this world. The only doubt is in the human’s ability to figure out how. And all of that figuring is what is keeping it from coming into fruition.” (Truth well spoken. Endless Gratitude Laura)

Repeat the affirmation listed above frequently and watch your thoughts. We are on our way to a New World.

The Duality of Shadow and Light

shadowOn my journey of self discovery I experience my shadow and my light within and without. I often times have resisted or judged my shadow side, only to have it surface again and again demanding its equality and importance to my path and my evolution.

At times I have even felt as though some of this “darkness” or shadow experiences were me going backwards; as if I had done all this work and I slipped. There I am so connected, filled with clarity and direction, trucking right along my divine path and boom! I am in an old pattern or feeling, lost or confused, overwhelmed or disconnected from that fulfilling experience of the light.

Yet, I discovered this not to be true. They are indeed equally important and it was never going “back”. It is in the darkness of shadow we are able to appreciate the light. It is in the light that we can honor the shadow; a perfect duality.

I found this in one of my newest book treasures of knowledge the day I began to write about this and how apropos it was: Alana Fairchild #333 “…during … a transformation … we are likely to feel utterly confused, swirling in pain with old issues arising at times. Yet that is happening because we are taking in more divine consciousness to grow, and the old stuff needs to be refined to tolerate us becoming a higher frequency being. Merlin helps us realize that the light and the dark dance together inside of us even more so when growing. So we think that being upset or uncomfortable can mean something is wrong, but it helps us realize that this is a temporary symptom of something being right- it is our spiritual growth taking place.”

Indeed it is a beautiful dance that shows us our growth. Love all of who you are.

The Breaking Moment; Diary Confessions Part 2

crying
The Breaking Moment
Written circa 2007 in reference to a moment in circa 2001

One day in a random moment…a feeling inside, eager to be voiced, (allowed me to realize) I did not like the self I had become. Overwhelmed with despair tears poured down my face. “I do not like who I am,” I proclaimed. “Who I have become is not who I dreamt I would always be.”

It may have been one of the most profound moments of (my) life. When something changes and there is no going back.

The words of greed were coming to life through my vessel and in total discordance with their falsehood I crashed. My every cell, my every layer of consciousness, all of who I thought I was instantaneously became a stranger. The person who had been pushing face first through my everyday, wasn’t even me. I have come to know this was the truth in spaces of calm inter-connectedness to myself and all things.

I always had visions of a woman who was secure and proud, who felt strength in her individuality and comfort in her power. A woman who walked in constant grace and who honored all beauty, never threatened by it. She stood tall in glowing light that always radiated to those around her. Her connection to the World was indestructible and that oneness provided her access to the many libraries of knowledge that stream through our Universe. Her gifts of spreading light and love were just that, gifts. (She had) healing vibrations that infused others, raising them up to their truths. (She would) selflessly give without expectations, always lead by the faith of her inner-knowing that all was well and all would always be well.

And whenever I held that vision I knew without doubt that, yes, that was me. That was who I was sent here to be.

star-wallpapers-22So then, who was this girl? This frightened girl who curled up feeling beaten from the World. I had dreamt of this angelic lady and now realized I was all of a sudden waking up in someone else seemingly so far from her. I was filled with frustration, irritability, sarcasm, resentment, and even worse hatred.

I found myself in patterns of tearing myself down instead of raising myself up. I had endless potential, but instead I soaked myself in defiance. Defiance against my mother, my father, my family, society, my teachers and coaches, and even against myself. I stood righteous in my actions. After-all who was anyone to tell me what to do or how to do it. No one had walked in my shoes. No one had drowned in my pain.

Choice by choice I fed this lion, until it was the roaring master of my life. Until that beautiful true self (I dreamt of) was just a glimmering star in the distance… (To Be Continued…More Diary Confessions to come)

Freedom in Paradise

blog beach freedomI am without doubt blessed that the place I call home is surrounded by paradise. Its beauty and vastness humbles me and fills me with joy almost daily. I am so grateful that these amazing beaches are often times what I refer to as “my office”. Connecting to my higher-self and my soulful purpose is what I consider my primary “job” in this life, which leaves the location of my work pretty flexible.

From a young age I have always been what you may call a rebel. Conformity, accountability, responsibility, structure, commitment…they were all words that I ran from. It was freedom in a un-free world that I was seeking out and I had demanded it. It truly was my inner rebel that saved me from the norm; from the collective consciousness and it’s fear driven and controlled ways.

Yet, with time I have realized how absolutely vital it is for me to “do the work.” In order to set myself free from the mind, fear, and societal restraints, as well as expand my perception and therefore my reality, I have had to commit to practices that raise my vibrations. Ie: meditation, free style dance, certain holistic modalities etc. (The combination may vary from person to person, but the need for discipline remains.)

In essence I have switched from rebelling against what didn’t work for me into focusing on what does work for me. Call it the fine affects of gracefully aging, if you wish. Haha

But, those words that had haunted me so, when channeled into the appropriate direction are responsible for creating this next shift in my evolution.

I found a quote from Sri Sri (A spiritual leader and founder of the Art of Living Foundation) and it really resonated with me for this reason:

“Freedom and discipline appear to be opposite, yet, they are complimentary.

Discipline protects freedom. They go hand In hand. Freedom without discipline is like a country without defense. On this path knowledge is your freedom and also your defense.

The moment you drop the small mind, you are free. If you feel you are free, you are free; if you feel you are bound, you are bound.

When you drop the vasanas, when you drop all the past impressions from the mind, then you become free- right now! Freedom from the pleasure is the real pleasure.

Your taste is nothing that cannot be changed. Your aversions are that which bind you, which rob the freedom from you. Stand back and look at them.”

Sensual Darkness; Diary Confessions Part 1

Sensual Darkness 1/09/2007

sensual_dark_by_nataliadrepina-d5ydc25My passion takes over and I play before us dreams, lies, fantasies;
A crazy ride with me,
Let me hook you in.
Resist, I dare you to.
It only makes it better.
Oh this dance that explodes in the end;
The End, when it’s all over.
But, it’s worth it all even though it may hurt,
Because it was my fantasy;
My impulsive and overwhelming emotions, feelings, and yes,
My love for sex;
That Great kind of Sex.

I am a Writer; Sky Dancer

Blossoms of the Sky Dancer; flowers of creation fall from my feet.
(Alana Fairchild- Kuan Yin Oracle)

skydancer
I am a writer.

Yet somehow I find myself questioning what I write. I stop myself from writing. “I am in my mind and that is not the right place to be. I am in my emotions and I just can’t find the words.”

I stop the flow. I stop my creation.

As I work on this 6 week intensive treatment program with my partner, I am diving deeper and deeper and yet higher and higher. This morning at 6am before the rising sun, in darkness; I opened my diary to write my dreams.

I opened to the expressions of years so long ago, 2006; 2008; 2011…

I was not thinking about what I wrote; I just wrote. I wasn’t writing for anyone to read, in fact for no one to read.

But every word in that moment as I read through the darkness of my hearts most broken confessions, was such beauty.

Shining light on the shadows that lie within, allowing them to surface, recognized, praised, raised and able to transcend.

And although it seemed there were so many similarities and patterns that I cried; “I cannot believe I am still there; still repeating this”… I somehow this morning in truth, saw in fact that I had not. I had grown. I have grown. I have changed how I see. I have changed how I feel. I have changed into a power that just does not feel lost any longer. I can look at a picture with the same story containing different faces but act and move so differently.

So, I have decided as I open myself and shine the light upon my darkness and embrace the openness of my soul directing my journey, as the synchronicities take over and the direction and confirmations take flight so high, so strong that I cannot deny their messages, I will honor these words. I will share them. Fearless of judgment, not concerned of their approval. But like they are my own children I will birth them into the world and support them. Their shaky first steps as they create their evolution. Because, they are just as beautiful as any part of me or any word I have ever said.

I am a writer. No, not for you, but for my own fearless freedom. Freedom of a glorious self that loves all of who I am, who I have been and who I will be.

Let all words fall from me not forced but flowing, like water in a water fall that knows no conformity and surrenders to it’s fall; not afraid of where or when it lands to merge in with the wholeness it came from and returns to.

I am a writer. I am a Sky Dancer.

Morning Zen and Mantras

morning zenSaturday morning zen; sipping my hot tea and re-reading the description of my current Buddhist mantra!

Throughout my day I say, “84,000 doors” as often as I think of it. It really helps me become present. Here is why;

Transformation (Osho Zen Tarot)

“…Zen is not a believer’s world. It is not for the faithful ones; it is for those daring souls who can drop all belief, unbelief, doubt, reason, mind, and simply enter their pure existence without boundaries.

But it brings a tremendous transformation. Hence, let me say that while others are involved in philosophy, Zen is involved in metamorphosis, in a transformation. It is authentic alchemy: it changes you from base metal to gold. But it’s language has to be understood, not with your reasoning and intellectual mind but with your loving heart. Or even just listening, not bothering whether it is true or not. And a moment comes suddenly that you see it, which has been eluding you your whole life. Suddenly, what Guatam Buddha called ‘eighty-four thousand doors’ open.”

84,000 doors….84,000 doors….84,000 doors…84,000 doors……

Unwavered

7c5eb0dcf10f87461b933bdfd28624cdI cannot begin to tell you how many countless times a group of people or an individual has heard my thoughts and told me of their impossibility; the idea I hold that love is the answer and change is possible is some ridiculous idealism. I know that after the constant wearing down of these expansive philosophies many have folded and joined the collective resistance conforming to their inability to ever be possible. It is easy to rationalize and logically dismiss this “non-sense.” But I, with a smile on my face, am always inspired by the resistance. I do not wish to think among the common and believe within reason. This quote explains the inspiration I receive from the lack of support I am given. Rather than creating doubt it leads me to believe I am on the right path. The passion in my heart that feeds my thoughts cannot be diffused with doubt, fear or lack of imagination. I will continue to hold fast to the visions beyond what is easy to see and the possibilities that no one accepts as true.